Go Kiss a Frog
Parent alert: The Walt Disney Company is now offering refunds for all those “Baby Einstein” videos that did not make children into geniuses.
They may have been a great electronic baby sitter, but the unusual refunds appear to be a tacit admission that they did not increase infant intellect.
— The New York Times.
Dear Walt Disney Company,
I would also like a refund for “Cinderella,” my first Disney movie.
“Cinderella’s” claim that “dreams do come true” is grossly misleading and none of mine have come true, even when following instructions to wish upon a star.
I too have a nasty step mother, but unlike Cinderella, who led me to believe that if I cook and clean and wait around long enough, mice will make me dresses and the universe will practically hand stuff to me, this has not happened.
All these years I pinned my life on the claim that having nice feet would get me somewhere. I even misplaced a grossly impractical high heel on the step outside a bar one night and raced home before midnight. But this has done nothing in the hot-man-arriving-at-my-door department. And I’m out a shoe.
Speaking of corrupt claims, the scam that is “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” also calls for a refund. Because of Ms. White’s guidance — I quote: “What do you do when things go wrong? Oh! You sing a song!” — I have basically been brainwashed for years. Whenever life got bad I’d belt out a tune — say, “Too Legit,” or “Going Back to Cali” — and for whatever reason, people shoot me strange looks and hurry in the other direction, even when I throw in some killer dance moves, i.e. the running man.
And just like the so-called fairest of them all, I, too, found myself in an unsatisfying situation (again, nasty stepmother). So, I asked myself: “What would Disney do?” I moved in with a group of seven, very short older men. After acquiring a borderline schizophrenic reaction to people who whistle at work, I was met not with prince charming, but only a choice between a bunch of guys who get their jeans at Gap Kids.
Years later, Sneezy has become what I can only categorize as The Beast. And I will not hesitate to point out that “Beauty and the Beast” is also legally actionable. Turns out you were right about one thing: Looks really don't matter at all — if you are a man. Underneath his abusive exterior is not a loving heart.
After all this hating on me, you must be joking if you think I am going to kiss someone formerly known for his involuntary explosions of mucous simply on the faith that, as you suggest, abusive hostage takers are all princes in the end.
In your favor, I will give you “Alice in Wonderland” — when things don't seem right, eating a magic mushroom really should be considered the de facto solution. How about when the doorknob tells her “Nothing’s impossible”? I have sooo been rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor thinking just that.
When Alice says, “It would be nice if something made sense for a change,” no truer words have been spoken. Good ol’ Alice: In my previous lawsuit against McDonalds for making me fat, I cited expert testimony from Alice (in addition to several evidentiary plus-size pants with slit-open seams) that food does in fact say “EAT ME” and “DRINK ME.”
Not to go on harping on these things, but like Peter Pan, for years and years I have refused to grow up. Yet it is patently false that all it takes to fly is to “think a wonderful thought, faith, trust, and pixie dust.”
Unless you mean figuratively, with another kind of “pixie dust,” there are no wonderful thoughts, faith or trust involved in flying these days. “Peter Pan” in essence is nothing more than (and I hate to slander) a fairy tale: Flying involves paying money, missing years of your life waiting and being delayed, and seatmates who clip their toenails.
As this legal action proceeds, I will have you note that, like the Little Mermaid, I recently traded in my voice after a deal with an evil stranger for chance at love with a man I’ve only seen once. There go my chances of following your advice to sign up for a high school musical for a one-way ticket to popularity.
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