Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Original Pick-Up Artist

The original pick-up artist

At 57, James Toback is clean, sober and married. But the legendary Hollywood womanizer and gambler still bets his life on every new movie (and talks to strangers in Central Park).

As we walk though Central Park, James Toback tells me a true story that sounds more like a scene from a movie. It's about a pedophile, accused of sleeping with boys, on the run from the police and $10,000 in debt to a bookie, who has just shown up at Toback's hotel room door begging for the money. Suddenly, Toback's voice begins to trail off. Something has caught his eye. He grabs my forearm; we stop walking.

"Come over here," he says. "I want to show you something. This is an example of how I get a bad reputation."

With his hands on my shoulders, he focuses me on a woman with long blond hair who is reading cross-legged on a blanket in the middle of the Great Lawn. "This is what I do," he whispers as we head toward her, "I see this girl, and she looks like she may be interesting. And as I get closer and closer I see if she still holds my attention. I see if there's a gravitational pull; because if there isn't, what's the fucking point?"

But we walk past her. He pans his arm from left to right across the skyline of trees that surround Central Park, This shot could be an establishing scene.

Then we actually turn back and walk up to her. His hand is on my back, guiding us toward her, and I'm nervous, scrambling for something to say. But he takes the lead, and as he approaches her he says, "Excuse me. I wonder. Have you ever done, or would you be interested in doing, anything cinematic? And if you are, would you be interested in discussing it?" Squinting her eyes in confusion and blushing, she asks what he means.

"My name's James Toback," he smiles as he shakes her hand. "I'm a movie director. Have you ever seen 'Black and White' or 'Two Girls and a Guy' or 'The Pick-Up Artist'?" She shakes her head no.

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So he jokes, "You're under arrest," and turns the conversation to her. "Are you a student? What are you majoring in? Did you vote for her for Senate?" he asks, pointing to the Clinton for Senate flier in her lap. He's captivated her. She plays with her hair and beams up at the bearded, balding man who might put her name in bright lights.

He's as charming as Robert Downey Jr.'s character in "The Pick-Up Artist" (1987), the compulsive womanizer who combs the Upper West Side for candidates and justifies his behavior by saying, "I have a vested interest in meeting strangers. Every woman that I've ever liked or communed with or given great satisfaction to always started off as a stranger."

The girl has forgotten that Toback is a stranger. He interrupts her giggles and goings-on about voting for Clinton. "Check out my work," he says. "If you see anything you think you connect with and might want to be a part of -- without promising anything -- call me."

A one-of-a-kind-opportunity smile forms on her face, she hands him her flier and he writes his number on it. As she thanks him, we turn away and he says, "I do that 15 times a week. Well, OK, maybe 50 times a week. Forty girls and 10 guys."

Toback's routine reveals how life is a laboratory for his films. The director brazenly puts himself in dicey situations and then bases his films on the resulting risks and consequences. Of the nine movies he has written and directed, all are autobiographical to some extent. Just as "The Pick-Up Artist" reflects Toback's personality, so do the rest of his films.

"The idea is not to have a separation between my life and my movies," Toback says. The claim is not a novel one but seems especially interesting in his case. By leading a hopelessly theatrical life, he has found the fodder for nine films. He's an East Coast guy with West Coast connections who, like Orson Welles, demonstrates the creative uses of his theatrical extravagances.

Although Toback's obsessive lifestyle has created obstacles for him, it has also provided the formula for his filmmaking. With the release of his last film, "Black and White" (1999), Toback "[threw] down a challenge to every other filmmaker working in this country," proclaimed Film Journal. Now, at 57 and married for the second time, Toback is releasing "Harvard Man," which opened last week in New York and should reach other cities soon. It's a movie he's talked about making for more than a decade. His most autobiographical yet, it seems to encapsulate all his gambles.

Ask anyone in the film industry about Toback, and his less discreet days of '70s excess as a gambler, partygoer and womanizer are sure to arise. His libido was so legendary that in 1989 Spy magazine published an eight-page foldout chart of his exploits called "The Pick-Up Artist's Guide to Picking Up Women."

But Toback never concealed his behavior; he flaunted it. He even wrote a book, "Jim" (1971), an admittedly self-centered biography of football legend Jim Brown that chronicles Toback's experience as a Jewish white guy who lived with Brown in Hollywood, a life that was essentially a series of wild parties and orgies: "Jim [Brown] is making his rounds ... Jane Fonda is there and Sharon Tate ... I drift into an old friend, a delicate girl of angled, Nordic beauty ... and embark with her on an orgy ... Jim joins."

Jul 2, 2002 | The book includes tidbits of advice, like Warren Beatty's supposed suggestion to include a small part for a pretty young actress in every motion picture and to schedule auditions for that part late in the day. Indeed, Toback's films include a troupe of pretty young women, from unknowns to recognized actresses like Nastassja Kinski ("Exposed," 1983), Heather Graham ("Two Girls and a Guy," 1997), Claudia Schiffer ("Black and White," 1999) and Sarah Michelle Gellar, who stars in "Harvard Man."

In Toback's new film, sex, gambling, madness and drugs converge in a story loosely based on his college days at Harvard (class of 1966). Adrian Grenier stars as Alan Jensen, a philosophy student and the star of Harvard's basketball team, lured by his girlfriend and Mafia princess Cindy Bandolini (Gellar) to fix the team's game against Yale. But before the big game Alan drops LSD and winds up tripping for eight days. Soon the FBI and the Mafia are after him and his solution is to seek refuge in the arms of his sexy, bisexual philosophy teacher.

Toback sees "Harvard Man" as a complete fulfillment of his vision. "It is the first movie that really makes madness felt," says Toback. "You get the sense of the hallucinatory beauty of it," he adds, referring to the digital-effects-laden scene of Alan's trip. "It's both the ecstasy and excruciating pain of death." It includes what he describes as his favorite hallucination: seeing a nude woman walk out of a Gauguin painting.

We've almost made it to the west side of Central Park, a place Toback says he visits every day. His pace is surprisingly quick; he swerves from path to path knowingly. Near a reservoir he points left to a minicanyon of rocks and twisted trees where the opening scene of "Black and White" was filmed. But the scene is memorable more for its sex than the landscape. It opens to the beat of the Stylistics' '70s hit "Daddy's Little Girl," and the camera pans to a ménage à troisfeaturing two young girls and a black gangster pressed up against a tree while another black man looks on. Though the copulating trio is mostly clothed, it is incredibly suggestive, even after the three cuts necessary to get an R rating from the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA).

Sex has always been one of Toback's favorite subjects, especially when it's raw and unadulterated. He favors direct, explicit sexual depiction over watered-down anesthetized scenes because, he says, sexual obsession and sexual duplicity are ignored in American movies today. The director doesn't want to make NC-17 movies (many theater chains won't show them and many newspapers won't advertise them). He knows that an R rating is more marketable, but insists there's a purpose behind his explicit material.

"The whole idea of a sex scene," Toback told Charlie Rose in a 1998 TV interview, "is that it be a scene in which characters reveal themselves by the specifics of their behavior. If it's worth making a movie about these characters, it's worth understanding their sexual nature." Read On...

Husband Hal

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By Catherine Getches
Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems. . . . How would it be, for example, to relate to a machine that is as intelligent as your spouse?"

-- The New York Times, July 25

Hello, Human Wife.

According to facial recognition data, I detect your lengthy glare at the toilet seat that I left up, and identify your heavy human breath noise while flinging my wet towel from your side of the bed and into the hamper. Might I suggest this combo special for Bright and Clean toilet bowl cleaner that comes with Free and Gentle bleach? Maybe then our towels will be as white-bright as my mom [CHEER(TM)-fully] mentioned approximately 2.7 times on her last visit, according to statistics with an accuracy ratio of plus or minus 0.33, given what may or may not have been a passive-aggressive tone -- neither men nor robots can accurately tell. The pop-up now conveniently appearing on my forehead shows that said cleaning products can be bought 0.8 miles down the street at Walgreens.

Behavioral tracking confirms that fresh coffee and homemade waffles before I leave for work are a thing of the past. Authentication on recent activity demonstrates a preference to check Facebook and wear an iPod rather than confer with Robot Husband, who can't find his hard drive or brown belt anywhere, again.

According to credit card activity that I can constantly monitor and flash in front of your face on this handy hand screen right here, you had your hair done last week. I couldn't tell you had anything done. But it, the spa treatment and a $257 charge at Saks Fifth Avenue do not fit in the "necessary expenses" column of our budget. (Data show an almost Pavlovian tendency to pay more when offered a coupon to "save more when you spend more.") I will enable a friendly ping noise to go off similar to the one that signals you to buy more beer when the refrigerator gets low. Wow, that ever-deepening furrow in your brow just won't quit, will it? Might I recommend Botox? And, while you're e-mailing your sister about the death of her labradoodle, I thought it might be helpful to flash these discounts on coffins -- now available at Costco!

Your Facebook status update reveals that you are looking forward to your book club meeting. Poke. Here's a friend suggestion: Oprah. The least you could do is become a fan of O Magazine. Here's a mojito to that. Why don't you take the quiz: "Which Desperate Housewife Are You?"

I noticed from monitoring your Internet activity that you Googled "weight loss." Might I also point you to this anorexia blog? Let's face up to the large pixels on your thighs -- thesaurus correction, cellulite -- that grapefruit diet isn't exactly working at what I'd call DSL speed. It's time to up the ante. And if you're interested in upping the ante, online poker is huge. Think you have a gambling problem? Maybe you'd also be interested in AA. Dialing back on drinking all that chardonnay at the book club might also get some of that junk out of your trunk. Do you know how many calories are in a glass of wine? There's an app for that.

You are correct that I said I'd be home right after golf. But this will be followed by a necessary reboot and lengthy system updates on the couch. Warning: This could take up to two hours to complete. (Ping!) Better stock the fridge.

No sex again tonight? Well, Bob just forwarded me a hilarious YouTube video, and you would not believe the late-night selection online!

Numbers show you snore at a higher-than-average decibel level, something that has proportionately increased with your nose-hair growth, which also seems proportional to the rotundity of your rear. Ah, all this "being on" has me fried. Need more power. Have you seen my plug? I can't find it anywhere.

Catherine Getches is a freelance writer in San Diego.

A Different Sort of Advice For Consumers

  • The Wall Street Journal

A Different Sort of Advice for Consumers

The ubiquitous Zagat guides are known for an assortment of mostly leisure-related topics including hotels, spas, golf courses, movies and nightlife. Now the editors are asking people to post reviews of their doctors.-- New York Times

Dermatology and Cosmetic Center

Try to "put your best face forward" as you are greeted at the door because, walking in, you "feel like you're under the microscope." Still, teens say they "feel welcomed" by staff, who greet them reassuringly. Penny-pinchers often leave "red in the face" after the bill arrives for an acid peel, "wondering what happened to their wallet," while other "clean-cut clientele" wax-on about the "Brazilian influences." The "eclectic menu" of services allows for "innovative pairings" where "fun-in-the-sun types" can find a "magnificent molé" handled with "cutting edge" attention. "Ladies Who Lunch" like the "uplifting treatment," adding that the facial service "fills a niche," lamenting that "others could do more about long lines out front."

Brite Smiles

Dentists at this "temple to all that is toothsome" score extra points for "signature" services though "waits can be like pulling teeth." "Up-and-coming meth addicts" and "boomers" converge at this "brassy, sassy" "mouth-popping" spot, where devotees "drive for miles" for what they call "drilled down" service and cognoscenti claim "excellent value." Despite "harried service," the "BYO policy" for nitrous oxide helps you avoid "breaking the bank" while you head to "nirvana." Some bemoan the "stuffy coat policy" for X-rays, which can "really weigh you down." And everyone seems to agree that while the post-op drooling "can be interminable," but the "quaint" décor and "old-world kitsch" ("drift off to the soothing aquatic-themed posters on the ceiling") can "really hit the spot" when that abscess on your gums hemorrhages and the "staff doesn't give you the time of day."

ER

"Not great for private functions," this "nice addition to the Downtown scene" is "always packed." Prepare to "stand in line behind high-rollers," who get "the VIP treatment," not the RIP treatment. While "service can vary," some say it is the "final word" on the subject. The atmosphere "could use some help," though the "frenetic pace" and "people watching" is enough to "pique your curiosity." Some surgical service can be "choppy," and you can "feel a little privileged even to be seated" in the face of "tremendous competition." Habitués frequent because they can't "resist to overdose on everything," even when the "invisible attitude" from staff is de rigueur. Simply put, "palatial prices" prove you can't afford to "come back every day." Be sure to "dress to the teeth and allow lots of time," especially for anyone on a "heaven-sent" trip or just an "unexpected special event." Those who "overdo their stay" can find "no words" to express their feelings.

Colon and Rectal Care

"The name says it all" at this Bronx establishment that "draws an older crowd" of regulars who "make it a tradition." Friendly doctors are known for "impeccable attention to detail" at this institution that "shatters stereotypes" with "south of the border flair." Fans say to "go hungry" because "pure indulgence" follows in downing "huge portions" of fluid. Most report back on the "polished service" and "leave feeling as if walking on air." "Designated driver" is recommended.

Ms. Getches is a writer and editor based in California.

Under the Influence of Friendship

www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-oped0805friendsaug05,0,4066919.story

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Commentary

Under the influence of friendship

By Catherine Getches

August 5, 2007

'Obesity can spread among a group of friends like a

contagious disease, moving from one person to another

in an epidemic of fat. That's the finding of a novel study

released Wednesday [last week] that reported that having

close friends who are fat can nearly triple your risk of

becoming obese. The effect is so powerful that distance

doesn't matter -- the influence is the same whether

friends live next door or 500 miles apart, according to the

report in the New England Journal of Medicine.'

-- Los Angeles Times

Frank is fat, really fat, but that's never bothered me. He's

funny -- and ever since we became such good friends his

jokes have become my jokes, not to mention great

icebreakers at cocktail parties. I use his "I'm not gonna lie" intro all the time, as in, "I'm not gonna lie,

I've got gas," which just kills people (the one liner, of course).

Frank is also generous: Once we got close, he started to share his Costco membership with me. Now, I

finally "get" the benefit in a gallon-carton of Goldfish crackers, the party-pack of prime rib (160 ounces

of meaty love), and the economy in a 22-pound wheel of cheddar. Like a yawn that makes you yawn, all

of a sudden it seemed level-headed to buy food by the flat. Now when I see a Meat Lover's pizza, I

know a little extra cheese, a tub of ranch dressing and some cinnamon sticks will help the 12 slices slide

right down. Supersizing at McDonald's seems like second nature, and what else better to wash down that

second Hungry-Man dinner than two liters of Coke? It's sort of like Frank's favorite song, "The Rhythm

is Gonna Get Ya," and boy, does it when your hands are dancing between a bag of Doritos, Reese's

Pieces and the TiVo remote.

Maybe I'd eat less while I watch TV if I hung out with Leslie's 10-year-old daughter more. But the ads

for sugar cereal are still on all the stations her mom and I watch, so I'm kind of the victim there. Besides,

Leslie and I usually wind up pouring a glass of wine and chatting, and maybe even singing George

Thorogood songs for old time's sake. The wine goes pretty fast; I used to think Leslie was chugging it

but now it seems like the normal pace to drink. Leslie pours us another, and then next thing you know,

she's got the bourbon open, to which scotch seems like the perfect segue. And, we can't stop there, we

need beer, like the song goes, she'll say. Leslie is great about offering a cigarette whenever she has one

too. I can get a great deal on cartons of Camels at Costco. If only they carried flats of those mini-bottles

that I like to keep in my purse for emergency moments, such as my venti at Starbucks.

Some friends I've lost over the years, but they are still with me, even if they weren't so great for my

well-being. Skippy, my so-called "man's best friend," gave me fleas and later poison oak. Even though I

shipped him to a pound two states away (OK, state protective services took him away because he had

become obese), I still have phantom itches. And then there's Jenny, my roommate during college who

compulsively untied and retied her shoelaces seven times. I miss the way she always made me feel seven times better, and then said sorry seven consecutive times, patting my back seven times between each consoling remark. But, she's

been at some sort of "retreat" for a couple of years now. We still phone each other and I guess I'll be

fine; I feel better once I have to touch all the switches on the stove and turn around seven times before I leave

the house.

I can't seem to get enough of Rachel, though. The way she seems so deep, so goth, the poems she writes

about death, and how she exudes that "What's the point of life?" aura. Black does look better on the

muffin-top popping over the top of my pants, and there's something defiant in the way shades of ebony

stretch over my stomach rolls. Ever since Rachel started to bring up killing herself a few years ago, I

started wondering aloud about death in the mirror. What if Rachel jumped off a cliff? I would.

----------

Catherine Getches is a freelance writer living in San Mateo, Calif.

Copyright © 2007, Chicago Tribune

Page 2of 2

Under the influence of friendship -- chicagotribune.com

8/5/2007

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-oped0805friendsaug05,0,2612664,print.st...

Turns Out I Can't Help Being Right

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Turns Out, I Can't Help Being Right

By Catherine Getches
Sunday, July 10, 2005

On the basis of a new study, a team of political scientists is arguing that people's gut-level reaction to issues like the death penalty, taxes and abortion is strongly influenced by genetic inheritance.

-- June 21 news item,

The New York Times

Dear Parents:

Finally, your secret is out. I thought about suing you, but that would only make some trial lawyer richer, so what's the point?

Don't play dumb. Knowing your newspaper habits, I'm sure you saw that recent story in the Times -- the one about the political scientists who surveyed hundreds of twins and concluded that genetics plays a role in determining someone's political leanings. I can't stand that liberal rag, but a friend forwarded the article to me because of the twin angle. "Hey, Catie," she wrote. "Turns out there's a reason why you and Liza look alike but can't agree on anything. Nature trumps nurture!" (By the way, just seeing the Times logo brought back nightmares -- you reading snippets of editorials aloud at the breakfast table, me fighting off my gag reflexes as I tried to keep down my homemade granola.)

This study made everything clear. Now I understand why (you say) we didn't get blood tests to determine whether Liza and I are identical or fraternal twins. You wanted us to think that we were identical and had 100 percent of the same genes -- hoping that if you kept up the pretense, then maybe, just maybe, Liza's liberal tendencies might rub off on me. (Can you imagine what it's like handing out recycling flyers every Saturday for the bulk of my childhood?)

I guess you were suspicious from the moment I pushed out of the womb first -- a determined right-to-lifer, wasn't I? Liza was fashionably late as usual, four minutes behind. I quickly demanded control of the baby blanket Nana had made me, as well as Liza's -- instinctively, I figured I had won the race, so the spoils were mine. (Maybe that's why I totally understood when President Bush said he had earned his capital in the last election, and now intended to spend it.)

You struggled to nurture my true nature out of me, and I grew up wondering why everything in me wanted to go right each time you'd urged me left. But now I know it's the gene, stupid, and it seems that I got a lot more of Gran than I did of you guys.

She was always my favorite: I still remember how Gran took me to the polls in her Mercedes (the gold one with the Reagan bumper sticker), how she hoisted me up so I could pull the lever for the Gipper. It was so exciting, my first taste of being part of . . . the base.

Soon enough, you stopped sending me to Gran's for the summer. Liza had returned home enchanted with the pet rock she got from Gran's driveway, but I kept asking for fur slipcovers for our car seats and refused to drink juice unless it was "on the rocks."

When I tried to stand up for what I believed in -- such as turning on the furnace when the temperature dropped below freezing outside and arguing that no kid should have to pay any income tax -- you called me "contentious." I wasn't sure what the word meant. I got my revenge later, though, when I insisted on going to a school miles away, requiring frequent trips to the gas station. Nice try with that car pool, by the way; it took me a while to figure out how to block that maneuver.

You didn't do much to hide your feelings about our science fair projects. Mine attempted to measure the safe level of trace amounts of arsenic in groundwater. But all you could talk about was Liza's "evapotransformation device" for determining the least amount of water needed to grow grass. Just so you know, instead of recycling my containers afterward, I cackled as I threw everything in the trash and ran outside to over-water the lawn.

But I wasn't worried about getting caught. You were always too lenient. When Liza stole a chocolate bunny at the store, you could have grounded her. Instead, you made her write a note to the owner saying "I'm sorry I ate the bunny." And when Matt snuck out of the house and had to be escorted home by the police, I lobbied heavily for the death penalty -- to no avail.

I've been doing a lot of rethinking these days. It's all a bit confusing; I've always thought that the theory of evolution was a bit of a crock, so it's strange to learn that my destiny is in my genes. I've also had to reevaluate my villains and heroes.

It's hard to scorn Justice Souter if he was born that way. By the same token, it's deflating to think that Justice Scalia's views are predetermined by his DNA. (And then there's Justice O'Connor -- just thinking about the genes that produced her mixed-up judicial philosophy gives me a headache.)

But now that the truth is out, I have a simple request: Instead of trying to save me from myself, could you just stick with saving water, energy and whales?

Your daughter,

Catie

P.S. Please disregard my last letter about wanting to adopt the children of your gay friends. It turns out that the study about gay parents and a genetic predisposition toward pledging large sums of money to public radio was totally wrong.

Author's e-mail:

getchesc@yahoo.com

Catie Getches, a writer in northern California, wonders whether some people are missing the gene for a sense of humor.

I Have a Chip, But It's Not On My Shoulder

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I Have a Chip, but It's Not on My Shoulder

By Catherine Getches
Sunday, September 18, 2005

Can a microscopic tag be implanted in a person's body to track his every movement? There's actual discussion about that. You will rule on that -- mark my words -- before your tenure is over.

-- Sen. Joseph Biden, to Judge John Roberts at his confirmation hearings, Sept. 12

I can't wait for the day when we all have microchips implanted in our heads. It's exciting to be so close -- pet owners are already implanting VeriChips in their animals to help track them down, motorists have OnStar on call to pinpoint their location in case of emergency, and by 2006 the State Department plans to put Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) tags into new U.S. passports to keep track of us.

We're already scrutinized by surveillance cameras at stoplights and in public places, and the reauthorized USA Patriot Act gives the feds even more opportunities to search my house. So I say, why bother with all the inevitable lawsuits and legislative hot air? Let's skip to the next logical step. I hereby volunteer to be an RFID guinea pig. Just insert the chip discreetly beneath my scalp, so I can get started on my easy-as-E-ZPass existence.

Think of all the advantages: While you're stuck in line at the supermarket, the better-than-barcode technology embedded in my brain will allow the cashier not just to know who I am and where I've been, but charge my groceries directly to my account. Just a tilt of the neck, and I'm sailing on through. No more fussing with my wallet or wondering which of my overburdened credit cards to use. This is what self-checkout was meant to be.

The possibilities make my head spin. Imagine the time savings if the chip could transmit video, too. That way, whenever I walk into an airport or a gun show or an office, the security folks will see I'm there, what I'm wearing and carrying -- the perfect combination of anonymity and total exposure. Sure, I'd miss those backhanded pat downs in the airport security line, and the pleasant chats with the TSA officers while they root through my dirty laundry. But there's something intangible, even appealing, about being seen invisibly, knowing screeners can probe much deeper, without any effort on my part. (You know, invasions of privacy can be kind of flattering, too, like when a speeding ticket arrives in the mail and right there next to the amount of the fine is, surprise, a photo of my face!)

The beauty of virtual mugging is omnipresent when anyone with a scanner has access to my personal data: my name, medical history, habits, tastes, not only where I bank but what I might want to buy, based on my shopping history. With my head constantly transmitting, companies will be able to triangulate much more than my location. Some critics refer to RFID as "spy chips," but I like to think of it this way: I'm the star of my own virtual reality show.

My bad sense of direction is eradicated with electronic eavesdropping. Once I'm one with OnStar, how can I ever really be lost if someone is always watching me? Sure, the parking ticket guy will have X-ray vision of my guilty pleasures as well as my driving record (maybe he'll think it's cool that I order old "Magnum P.I." episodes via Netflix), but it's so worth it when the McDonald's drive-through captures my frequency, knows the value meal I like and charges my credit card -- with the entire transaction taking place in my head.

Spammers already know my name and e-mail address, so I'm sure I won't find it strange when a police officer pulls me over and brings up a book I recommended last week on Amazon.com. I never wanted to carry a purse in the first place, and now my checkbook-free lifestyle will liberate me. Instead of unloading the contents of my bag and hunting for I.D. at the nightclub, bouncers can frisk all the digital data they want. Nightlife for me will be streamlined-VIP, as back-room bartenders zap drinks to my card, adding a whole new meaning to American Express.

Besides, why would I want to stand in line behind animals for this kind of technology? Pets have enjoyed "smart" labels for 15 years. And it's not just the Irish setter next door who has it so good: Beer kegs, library books, Calvin Klein clothing, baseball tickets and Gillette razors are all equipped with RFID. Now there is talk of laser-coded fruit -- Wal-Mart has placed orders for apples and oranges with tags etched into their wax or tattooed on their skin. (Please, oh please, don't let a banana beat me to bar-coded bliss.)

Here's what I say to anyone who balks and brings up civil liberties or "Big Brother": First, I don't even like that show and second, most people who say they want privacy have a double standard. At U.S.-Canadian border crossings, drivers willingly undergo background checks, fingerprinting, interviews and photographs as part of the Nexus pass commuters' program -- complete exposure for a wait-free crossing. But then the same types get all indignant at giving up a Zip code to the Macy's cashier. Recently, I read that Google's CEO doesn't like being googled. Now that makes my head hurt.

Once I'm equipped with my personal transponder, I'm hoping for more free time. I'm already thinking of ways to spice it up for my voyeurs -- mostly trying to pose and look good for the surveillance cameras popping up everywhere. Some protesters stage "distraction" plays in front of them, but who wants to share the attention?

Now, if I can only figure out how to get advance notice so I can make sure the house is clean before the agents arrive to search it. There has to be a radio frequency that vaporizes dust mites .

Author's e-mail: getchesc@yahoo.com

Catherine Getches, a writer in northern California, is the same person in private as she is in public.


It's a Loser Take-All World

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It's a Loser-Take-All World

By Catherine Getches

Turns out that "Sesame Street" has something to teach F. Scott Fitzgerald. The man who famously scribbled "there are no second acts in American lives" in the notes for his last novel never heard Elmo croon "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." I wonder what the novelist would say now if he could see all of the third, fourth and fifth acts that some Americans are enjoying. These days, a career blunder can boost your status, a disgraceful gaffe can be a gateway to greatness, a prison term can be a springboard to stardom. Losers don't just have it made; failure has become the new success, and being phenomenally bad is proving to be pretty lucrative.

It's not just Martha (convict turned TV reality host) or the Donald (bankrupt developer turned TV reality host) or Paris (leaked sex-tape celebrity turned TV reality show celebrity) or all those other preternaturally gifted self-promoters who have cleverly parlayed infamy into fame. No, it's become part of the culture now, not just acceptable, but even appealing. When Whoopi Goldberg said "I'm a big loser, you can be, too" -- the tag line that SlimFast's advertising copywriters gave her when she was hawking their weight loss products last year -- no one even winced at the wordplay. Madison Avenue knows that losers are winners.

This turnabout has my head spinning. When I was growing up, way back in the late 1980s and early 1990s, people tried to tell me that being a loser was okay. But as a teenager wise to the double-speak of the adult world, I knew that all that mollycoddling and boosterism really meant winning is everything. Sure, my dad recited the "Sesame Street" mantras and my mom assured me that the turbo-nerds, not the jocks, would wind up most successful in life. But my tough-love soccer coach had a harder time joining in the no-born-losers revelry. After I scored my second goal in one game, a header no less, he patted me on the back and muttered in his English accent, "Guess there's truth in that saying that every dog does have 'er day."

Now, it seems we love the dogs as much as the underdogs. How else to explain the skyrocketing success of the fundamentally untalented? Fifteen years ago, a lip-syncing scandal ruined Milli Vanilli. But after Ashlee Simpson was exposed for lip-syncing on "Saturday Night Live" in 2004, her reward was her own MTV reality show and a headliner invite to sing at half-time during the biggest college football game of the year.

Fifteen years ago, a public company's inclination was to distance itself from a convicted chief executive. But that's so last decade at Steve Madden's namesake shoe company. The former CEO, who's serving time in a Florida prison for stock fraud and money laundering, is scheduled for release soon. The company's cheeky ad team saw opportunity rather than shame in his misfortune, creating an ad campaign around slogans such as this one: "A new meaning for the word spring time. Steve returns. Spring 2005."

Humor, of course, is the intent. But I still found it telling that various ad execs waxed so enthusiastic about it in interviews with a New York Times reporter. "It's in now to be out -- out of prison, that is," said Paul Cappelli, chief executive at the Ad Store in New York.

It almost makes a law-abiding girl long for an orange jumpsuit.

But if losing is the new black, it's not that easy for everyone to pull it off. I'm thinking about myself, of course. I'm not leak-a-sex-tape desperate (yet), nor do I have a Hilton hotel heiress lineage to bolster my behavior. Apparently, I had it all wrong a few years ago when I interviewed for a job as a co-host on ABC's "The View." I was a long-shot candidate, but I thought the best way to impress the show's producers was to project a strong, successful image. Instead, I should have tried losing in a big way -- like "Survivor" reject Elisabeth Hasselbeck. After getting kicked off the island, she's the one who landed the seat alongside Barbara Walters. (Is that why job interviewers these days always ask you to describe your biggest failure?)

America has always been the land of second chances; many of the original colonists were outcasts looking for a new start. Failure is central to the American paradigm of success. So is the idea that adversity makes us stronger and better.

But now it's as if "The Producers" mentality has taken over. We flock to theaters to laugh at the story of theatrical impresario Max Bialystock and accountant Leo Bloom, who attempt to fleece their investors by putting on a surefire flop that they can close after one night. They seek out the worst play in existence ("Springtime for Hitler"), hire the worst director, find the worst actors (one is named LSD) -- and, in a triumph for irony, create a hit when the public misconstrues the play as a comedy. So it should come as no surprise that a real-life actress, Kirstie Alley, can beef up her fading career by turning her new girth into a new gig as the star of a new show, "Fat Actress," on Showtime.

Likewise, Fox's "American Idol," the most popular show on TV, relies in part on our affection for the losers as well as the winner. The only episodes I watch are the first elimination ones. I must not be alone; why else would the producers spend so much of the first few weeks highlighting the dismally bad or produce a show focusing on the "Best of the Worst?"

But no one expected that the "Worst Idol Ever," Berkeley engineering student William Hung, would give hope to the tone deaf everywhere by converting his humiliating performance into a successful career. His "Inspiration" CD debuted at No. 34 on the charts -- and now he "sings" at half-time shows, gets wedding proposals and does ads for the online site Ask Jeeves.

Everyone seems to have a riff on the "Try, Try Again" tune. A Will Young song titled (no fooling) "Try Again" put it this way: "Now if you find your bat at zero/ And the legends you are not/ You can still wind up a hero/ If you give it one more shot." Rap artist 50 Cent actually took nine shots -- bullets, that is -- during his former drug-dealing days, including one in the face. He has the scars to prove it. Afterward he came to rule the Top 40 charts and is now showing other toiling artists, in his words, "How We Do" in the music industry.

Then there's the Lizzie Grubman route: Back over a person or 16 with your Mercedes SUV outside a swanky Southampton night spot, spend 37 days in jail and end up with your own MTV reality show, "Power Girls." She may need the income, though -- she's settled 15 lawsuits for millions of dollars.

I like to tell myself that, even as a kid, I knew that losing was the way to go. I think that's why, instead of celebrating my team's victory, I got choked up watching the defeated team walk off the court. I'd wonder: What's wrong with a tie? Was overtime all that necessary? So many things about today's la la loser land make sense to me -- maybe that basket I accidentally scored for the other team in a high school playoff game wasn't an accident, after all.

Self-help books aren't my style (the whole talking to the mirror thing), but their authors have long been fascinated with how to serve up recipes for success. Stephen Pollan's "Second Acts: Creating the Life You Really Want, Building the Career You Truly Desire" advises readers to make your life a "custom job" and says that somebody out of work or in financial trouble is the best candidate for a "second act."

I'm not sure where a sputtering freelance writer fits among those categories, but I'm certainly not averse to making a job out of custom losing, if only I could figure out how to fail with enough distinction to clinch real success.

So I'm evaluating my options. Being realistic: Gunplay and vehicular violence aren't part of my skill set -- I'd probably shoot myself (and my plans) in the foot, and my Dad would have my neck if he saw me behind the wheel of a gas-guzzling SUV. Lip-syncing won't be scandalous again for another 10 years, so that's out. I could try bankruptcy, like Trump did to comb over his financial woes, but Congress is about to pass new legislation that will make that tougher.

That leaves weight gain and loss, but while there may be second acts for Kirstie and Whoopi, neither one needs an understudy. So I'm still looking for my inner loser. Maybe I should tickle Elmo to death and make a name for myself as the Muppet Murderer.

There must be a reality show in there somewhere for a loser like that.

Author's e-mail: getchesc@yahoo.com

Catherine Getches is a freelance writer in Northern California, where she sometimes finds that she can't win for losing.

© The Washington Post Company

Me, Myself, and I

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Don't Take This Personally, but It Doesn't Mean You're Special

By Catherine Getches
Sunday, May 29, 2005

As a twin, I think I have an unusual appreciation for the desire to be unique. When I was 10, this drive even involved breakfast: I challenged my mom's homemade-everything, health-food-only policy and begged for brand-name, boxed cereal. Even if I couldn't convince my mother that Trix really were for kids -- Grape-Nuts and Cheerios were as close as I got -- in my mind they fortified me as an individual, at least in the General Mills sense of things. I ate one kind of cereal and my sister ate another, and I was way too young to see the irony of using a brand name to make myself special.

Luckily, I got past that clueless phase. But these days it seems that most of American society is sinking into my preteen mindset. From what I see, more and more people are buying into the idea that mega-companies can mass-produce human individuality.

In the online universe, there's so much fake Me that I'm getting sick of Myself. I can now redesign my access to most Web sites so that I look at My Weather on My Yahoo! or start a virtual library of My Search History on My Web. I can control, amend and adjust MyQueue on Netflix and add or delete from MyShoppingCart or MyAccount on almost every e-commerce site.

What's better than reading washingtonpost.com? mywashingtonpost.com, of course. It's such a relief to know I can opt out of any news I don't want, and restrict my intake to an intellectual diet of Britney Spears and basketball.

It's as if that seagull from "Finding Nemo" is in charge of promotion: "Mine! Mine! Mine!" I guess it's supposed to mean something to me that I can customize a pair of Nikes with my own ID (as long as I don't choose "Sweatshop Slave"), or that I can get a Carrie-style necklace with my own name at Wal-Mart. I'm drowning in personalized marketing gimmicks, often misplaced and sometime bizarre.

Or even creepy. Last year, the libertarian magazine Reason sent its 40,000 subscribers a custom-designed June issue, each with a satellite photo of the subscriber's very own neighborhood on the cover. Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard to get pumped about technology that makes me want to pull down my shades.

Every day brings a new slew of customize-me bids. Williams-Sonoma will hand-forge a branding iron with my monogram, so I can "personalize steaks and chops." My latest favorite came just before Mother's Day, when Personalization Mall e-mailed me my "very own" "exclusive" offer: For $55.95 I could order six "personalized roses," with the greeting of my choice screened onto the petals of the most cliched bud in the florist's shop. To think I could have moved my mom by imprinting something really unique, like "Happy Mother's Day!"

My husband tells me that everyone likes his own brand best. But what brand is that? Take those customized cell phone ring tones -- possibly the only way to make other people's irritating conversations even more irritating. Somehow I find it hard to believe that anyone feels the thrill of ownership when she hears her digitalized rendition of Beethoven's Fifth, "Hava Nagila" or the racetrack bugle call.

Even the federal government's getting into personalization. The Department of Agriculture now fights the McDonald's-on-every-corner culture with a high-fiber, low-fat campaign on MyPyramid.com, where you can build your own dietary guidelines. And the Postal Service is convinced that customers will pay up to three times more for "an exciting new product that lets you take your own photographs and turn them into real U.S. postage!" (At least now that they've worked the kinks out: No Unabomber or Monica Lewinsky photos.)

In a sense, I understand what provoked this MyMyMyMentality, at least online. Once the Internet made communication anonymous and faceless, and location irrelevant, online marketers faced a whole new challenge in attracting buyers and keeping their loyalty. The tactics they've adopted are familiar -- they were created by spammers years ago. But while I'm used to casually deleting unwanted e-mails that are personally labeled and crazily off-base ("Catherine, are you alone?" or "Getches: Are you big enough to make her happy?"), it's a different breed of weird when my bank site thinks that "Hello, LastNameFirstInitial!" is going to make me feel warm and fuzzy about our relationship.

What I really feel is that I'm being watched. Thanks to "cookies," the personal trail of browsing and clicking-to-buy crumbs that our log-ons leave behind, marketers already can discern our individual reading habits, vacation preferences and the color of the roots of our hair. But they want more, posing increasingly intrusive questions just to give us full access to their products. On the gossipy New York Post Web site, for example, you must now enter your income level and home address just to read the daily dish.

This Internet trend irks me for the same reason that I prefer waiting to pick up drugs at the pharmacy to standing in line at Starbucks. There are just some places it's nice to be a number. I need everyone within earshot knowing the contents of my cup the way I need the grocery store clerk getting on the loudspeaker and commenting on the absorbency of my toilet paper. Imagine if they announced your prescription the way they do your grande, double shot, half-caff, skinny mocha with extra foam: Let's just say a lot of awkward itches would go untreated.

It wasn't identity theft or spam avoidance that originally provoked me, years ago, to enter fake names and false e-mail addresses on these nosy Web sites. I don't know about everyone else, but part of the allure of going online has always been to enjoy the privacy of anonymity, not to prove that I'm MyOwnPerson. (Not affiliated with MyOwnPerson.com.)

I admit that when I log into My Yahoo!, it's nice that it goes straight to my local weather and movie times. And I really like personalization technology that connects people to other people. Amazon and Netflix, for example, use something known as collaborative-filtering technology to match customer profiles and suggest books or movies accordingly. With Netflix, my friends and I can opt to share access to "Movies You Both Hate" (or Love) -- essentially letting us recommend movies to each other online.

I'm not saying I'm not slightly surprised that a good friend of mine recently rented three DVDs' worth of "Miami Vice," but at least the service encourages kinship rather than isolation. Like the old local brick-and-mortar bookstore or video boutique, these marketers have figured out a way to know their customers and then help them get to know their products.

But that's the exception, far from the rule. Self-expression isn't supposed to be a selling point. Next time these marketers want to use MyPersonality to sell me something, I'd thank them to remember it's none of TheirBusiness.

Author's e-mail:getchesc@yahoo.com

Catherine Getches logs on as anonymously as possible from her home in northern California.